Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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