You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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