last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
