the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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