I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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