it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
