I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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