Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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