Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
