I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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