i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
