can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
