This is not my ceiling
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Randomize
