Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
