I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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