matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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