The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Randomize
