Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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