I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
