i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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