she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
