I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
