theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
