I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
