i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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