Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
