I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
