Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
