How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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