my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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