I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
