My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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