Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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