i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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