Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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