My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
