I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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