Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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