Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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