There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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