Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
