sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
