I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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