I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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