pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
