The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
