Soap is not a condiment
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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