I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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