2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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