I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
