Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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