Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
