he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
