Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
